When to see a couples therapist?

Any couple can go through a period of crisis. Most of the time it happens without either party wanting it and without either partner knowing how to avoid it. In these cases, do not rush and make impulsive decisions, but analyze what is happening. Maybe it's time to seek the help of an objective professional to give you the keys to getting your relationship back on track.

 

It is advisable to go to a couples therapist when there is discomfort or dissatisfaction with the relationship and both people want to solve the problem. In general, couples therapy should be used when there are:

• Communication problems;
• Jealousy or mistrust;
• Coexistence problems;
• Emotional dependence;
• Difficulty finding or keeping a partner;
• Infidelity;
• Fear of compromise;
• Separation or divorce;

Although the main goal of couples therapy is to save the relationship and make it satisfying for both members, this process is also beneficial for people who have already decided to separate, but want to do it in the best possible way, without to harm the partner.

 

What is couples therapy?

Couples therapy aims to resolve conflicts, overcome crises, solve communication problems between both parties and strengthen the positive aspects of the relationship. However, in order to reach this point, it is necessary to reveal the origin of the conflicts and discover the dynamics that underlie them, preventing the couple from reaching a satisfactory balance.

 

To uncover the underlying problem, the couples therapist will need to delve into the couple's history, how they met, where they were in their lives, and what they gave up to be together. Usually the family experiences of both people are also looked at, especially the type of relationship their parents had, because often the disturbing patterns come from their homes of origin and are behaviors that each person repeats without being aware of it.

 

Once the problem is identified, it is usually necessary to work on communication, enhancing skills such as active listening, empathy and assertive expression of emotions. In this way, people move from "monologue mode" to "dialogue mode". The ultimate goal is for both to learn to express their feelings, ideas, and needs without hurting the other, while respecting their individuality.

 

However, couples therapy also focuses on increasing accountability, getting both to accept that the problem is a two-way problem and that we need to work together to overcome it. At the same time, the couples therapist works so that an emotional dependency is not established and the foundations are developed so that both can be excited about the relationship again, reactivating the small details and attention to the other.

 

It is important to clarify that couple therapy does not focus only on talking, in many of the sessions different psychological techniques are put into practice, such as modeling or psychodrama, to make people adopt more assertive and empathetic ways of relating. In addition, it is common for the couples therapist to guide a series of tasks for the couple to complete at home, usually with the goal of rediscovering passion, building trust, and/or fostering emotional closeness.

 

When necessary, certain personal aspects of each member of the couple that may interfere with its proper functioning are worked on individually.

 

Why is the figure of the psychologist/psychotherapist so important?

When a couple fails to resolve their issues, but instead grows deeper, it means they have fallen into a self-destructive cycle. The usual thing is that when they try to resolve the conflict, they end up putting into practice certain behaviors and attitudes that provoke negative responses in the other, so that both end up adopting a defensive attitude and constructive dialogue becomes a mission impossible.

 

At this time it is very easy to fall into disqualification and aggression, thus generating an environment marked by resentment and disappointment in which negative responses follow one another. Sooner or later, indifference sets in, so the displays of affection are more and more restricted, the couple spends less time, and as a result, dissatisfaction grows.

Becoming aware of the existence of this vicious circle and the behaviors that underlie it is not always easy, especially since both are often very emotionally involved or because they are not even aware that these behaviors may be the cause of the problem.

 

Obviously, breaking the cycle of negativity is even more complicated because it implies that both members of the couple must leave behind habits they have carried over the years and instead develop more appropriate ways of relating.

 

For this reason, it is sometimes necessary to turn to a couples psychologist/psychotherapist, who will take care of opening the channels of communication that have been closed and proposing different ways of relating. The couples psychologist/psychotherapist will indicate to both members of the couple all those behaviors, attitudes, expectations and negative or distorted beliefs that intensify the problem or are a barrier to solving it.

 

However, the therapist is not only tasked with looking at the situation from a more objective perspective, but also has the knowledge and tools to guide the couple toward more positive and mutually satisfying patterns of behavior.